Disconnected!

Have you ever felt disconnected from the world? A disconnect so badly that you don’t ever think your going to ever fit i with other people. I feel that everyday since I can remember. I don’t think I ever fit in with other people. I feel like I just never will. I have tried by becoming someone that I wasn’t. When I was in jr high. I pretended to be the tough girl that girl that thought she could beat up everyone. The thing was I knew for a fact that I couldn’t. I always went after the kids that were generally weaker then I was kids I knew who wouldn’t fight back. So I was the bully and I think because the school that I had transfered from I was the bullied. Once a girl tried to light my hair on fire while standing on the steps. Another girl tried to jump me in the girls locker room while another just tried to beat me up any chance she had and for a reason that never made any sense. I was quiet because I didn’t have any friends I was a loner. Afraid of being who I was because I knew I wasn’t going to be accepted by others. I truth is I was never accepted by others I just think that people felt bad for me so they pretended to be my friend  and when they got tired of me they made up any reason to walk away. Experiances like that are the reason I don’t trust anybody the reason I don’t get close to people. So yea I am disconnected from the world and yea I have made my mistakes by pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I am not the bully, I am not the mean type i’m not that girl and never want to be that girl. I want to be someone that my family will be proud of. I want to be the person that I was raised to be. Granted its a cruel world and sometimes being mean is 10x better then being the nice person because the mean usually always win. 

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