“Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there, because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t. But then one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong only because it’s so unfamiliar. And in the moment you realize you’re happy”
One Tree Hill
Happiness sometimes is so hard to find and so hard to know what it actually feels like. If your like me happiness sometimes just doesn’t exist. You spend all your time searching for happiness and sometimes you find it but other times you don’t. I once heard someone say people look at happiness as a destination and not a feeling. Being happy is like being hungry or tired. Its a feeling that goes away.. If we stopped looking at happiness like that maybe people will find it more often. Happiness is a feeling not a destination.
Do you remember your first broken heart? Do you remember your first love? I remember mine like it was yesterday. Being in love is one of the best things in the world and losing that love is one of the worst things in the world. You will always remember the person who made your heart race, the one who put a smile on your face just by saying good morning or just by saying hello. You get the feeling that you never want to lose because when you do it feels like someone just put a knife through your heart and tunred it. When you have plans to move in get married and start a family to not having that any longer hurts like hell. Broken hearts aren’t easily fixed it takes time for it too stop hurting. I never got that It take several months to feel that kind of love the kind of love that you want to last forever. You spend all that time being vulnerable with someone and you spend all that time giving them all of you and it takes half that time time to be able to move on from it. Not only does it take forever to go away but when you see that someone you love, love someone else and start that life that you guys planned together hurts even worse. I was faced with that not to long ago seeing the man I was head over heels madly in love with begin to start his life with someone else. Telling her he loved her and spending time with her and almost starting that family it felt like my heart was breaking all over again, that pain came rushing back and I couldn’t stop the pain from coming or the tears.How do you know if its true love? You know its true love when someone asks you to imagine your life without this person. When you realize that you can’t and you don’t want to live that life without them. When your heart races from a text message or how your always grinning from ear to ear and the joy in your heart takes over everything else then its real. If anyone out there has that kind of love don’t lose it, hold onto it for dear life. Don’t let an argument or a choice define the relationship. Relationships are hard and they take work but if your not willing to put in that work then don’t make that jump don’t take that risk don’t hurt them or yourself. True love sometimes comes once in a lifetime so take that chance love with all your heart don’t be afraid to love because it the best thing in the world. Not having it is a tragedy..
Have you ever felt disconnected from the world? A disconnect so badly that you don’t ever think your going to ever fit i with other people. I feel that everyday since I can remember. I don’t think I ever fit in with other people. I feel like I just never will. I have tried by becoming someone that I wasn’t. When I was in jr high. I pretended to be the tough girl that girl that thought she could beat up everyone. The thing was I knew for a fact that I couldn’t. I always went after the kids that were generally weaker then I was kids I knew who wouldn’t fight back. So I was the bully and I think because the school that I had transfered from I was the bullied. Once a girl tried to light my hair on fire while standing on the steps. Another girl tried to jump me in the girls locker room while another just tried to beat me up any chance she had and for a reason that never made any sense. I was quiet because I didn’t have any friends I was a loner. Afraid of being who I was because I knew I wasn’t going to be accepted by others. I truth is I was never accepted by others I just think that people felt bad for me so they pretended to be my friend and when they got tired of me they made up any reason to walk away. Experiances like that are the reason I don’t trust anybody the reason I don’t get close to people. So yea I am disconnected from the world and yea I have made my mistakes by pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I am not the bully, I am not the mean type i’m not that girl and never want to be that girl. I want to be someone that my family will be proud of. I want to be the person that I was raised to be. Granted its a cruel world and sometimes being mean is 10x better then being the nice person because the mean usually always win.
Sitting at work today thinking about where my life has gone. I’m 24 years old and feel like ive accomplished absolutly nothing in my life so far. Been working dead end jobs for the past few years that have gotten me nowhere. No high school diploma no drivers license (yea i know) and about to lose my job for the second time in the past 2 years. Lost one job each year clearly. Ive lost all my friends since I moved but I guess that was just proof that they weren’t real friends to begin with. I’m a single girl and have been for the past year. I made a huge mistake and I’m paying the price for that one. I starting to question where I am going and if I will ever amount to anything. I don’t get it I like to think I am a nice girl and I have a lot to offer the world but lately it sure doesn’t seem way. Maybe god has something better for me or maybe thats just a pipe dream that I need to let go off. I have to get out of this slump and get my life on track. I just wonder when that will be. Just trying to figure it all out and you would figure at my age I would have had it figured out but I guess not.. Need to make some moves and changes and stop waiting for life to happen for me. I need to make it for myself. The moral of my rant is life happens everyday and sometimes you get the things that you want and sometimes you don’t but its not going to happen unless you get up and make it happen. Well signing off and going to do something with my life.
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